Time

As the leaves change colour

And the weather turns cool,

I am reminded again of time.

Ever changing, never still.

Heartbeat after heartbeat.

Step after step.

Time.

Life lies ahead in a seemingly vast expanse of the unknown

Or so they say.

But.

If life is ahead of me, 

then what am I in now?

Paying bills, working, school.

Repeat.

Time.

Pardon my cynicism.

But why tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me?

That's not encouragement.

That's trivial nonsense.

Young people need real.

We need people in our lives who are going to be willing.

We need people to say: Crap happens.

Move on.

Time. 

Fake answers and astronomical expectations.

How is that even fair?

The hope of the future rests on you.

Who, me? Right.

Better not screw up.

But if you do,

You've got your whole life ahead.

Time.

Marvelous, isn't it.

How we are taught.

Shirk your responsibilities.

Wait till you have it together.

Till you have a family maybe.

Yes, because that's a logical time to learn responsibility. 

After all, your whole life is ahead of you.

Time.

The best intentions have screwed us over.

Patronizing poison instead of life giving honesty.

For they didn't want to crush us.

But instead they made us irresponsible whiners.

You know what they say about good intentions. 

Apparently they lead you straight to hell.

Time.

You want a generation to save you.

Well. Here we are. 

40 year olds living with mommy.

14 year olds getting pregnant 

Don't worry, mommy will raise your ... sister?

Rampant disregard for human life.

I guess Daddy will pay for your fifth abortion.

Mean to say? Yep. But true? Quite.

But, not to worry.

Your whole life is ahead of you.

Time.

Sadly, we have become exactly what you were trying to avoid.

For we are a generation raised up in a culture where people do what they want.

When they want. 

How could we learn anything different?

We live in a culture with rapid advances in history.

Yet we can't even get it together enough to put a dent in what really matters.

Heartbreaking.

We are your future.

Good luck.

Time's running out.

Life is here and it's not a vast expanse.

It's a short leap.

Good, old, reliable time.

Time.

*I wish sarcasm could leak through in this as it did in my thoughts. I'm not meaning to be negative. I'm meaning to speak the truth. Sure, it's a little harsh. But it's true*

Fight

I think that we spend to much time in our lives thinking that we aren't worth as much as we are, and therefore  we don't live up to our potential. We walk through this life looking at all the things we don't have, we try to measure up, and when we don't we drudge on, disappointed again. But see, something that God has been trying again and again to teach me is this: We don't have to measure up. We all have this special, one of a kind intrinsic value that no one else on earth has. And you know, those that understand God's love for them, those that understand that they are valued and cherished, it's obvious. They walk through this life with a glint, a spark, they walk through this life with the grace of knowing that they are imperfect, but that they are loved. And, despite God sharing and trying to teach me this over and over and over again, I still reject it because in my head there is no plausible way that someone could love me like that. Truthfully, I think that God has me at the point where I understand that he loves me infinitely, but I can't accept it because I don't feel worthy. I feel like I don't measure up. Why should He love me, and speak to me, and treat me with such love and grace? Today, I came to a realization. It's a choice. We have a choice to accept God's love and grace. It's always there. I came to another realization. Many, many Christians are in the same predicament. We all slide through life believing in something that we truly, really wish was true with all our hearts. We go through the motions daily because it's right. Because we pretend to believe but don't actually know. This is the way I see it in my own life. The reason I can't accept God's love for me is because I can't let go. I can't completely come to him unchained because those chains are comfortable. It is way easier to tear yourself apart then to build yourself up. It is far easier to think of yourself as unworthy, than worthy. We go through the daily comfort of our lives not realizing that the daily comfort is what has us chained. I'm not saying comfort is bad, I'm saying that when we go numb it's bad. When we no longer hear the small still voice because we no longer listen, that's when it's dire. I see many Christians in the captivity of comfort. You know what's comfortable? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Worry. All chains. All chains that are so comfortable because we are so used to wearing them. We are so used to wearing them that we aren't even willing to shed them in order to accept this perfect, wonderful indescribable love. And you know what. I call bull. I call enough is enough. Enough. We have been fed lies so long that we don't know which way is up! Satan is a rotten, deceitful thief. He's stolen to many precious souls with his slithery whispers of death dealing blows. I learned something today that I'd always been told but never really understood before. We are in this massive, desperate fight for our souls. We are in a time where, Satan gets away with far to much, and we stand complacent in our chains. We live in a time where not a lot of people understand, let alone know and accept the love of God. Fight. Fight for your right to accept God's love. Fight for the hope of one day understanding and knowing that you are worthy. Fight for your soul. Fight for that glimmer of understanding that some people have. We have been pretending to long. We have been hoping that it's been enough. It hasn't been. The enemy is firmly entrenched in our camp and it's time to tell him to get the hell out. I'm game. Are you?

Glass Houses

This blog post is in response to some incredible responses to something on homosexuality on a friends facebook. I so respect and value everyone's opinion. Here's mine ha ha ha.  Ok. So I am in a very sarcastic witty mood, and I'm also exhausted, so forgive me some rabbit trails here. I think that really, the real question asked by the church and its followers is this: Is homosexuality wrong? To the people that have black and white opinions, the answer is a simple yes or no. To the gray people like me, the fence sitters, the people that the black and white want to shove off the fence and beat with sticks in order to get a real answer, it's not so simple. Something that God has been really talking to me about lately is people's relationship with him. Something that BLEW my mind, but probably comes as no surprise to anyone else is that every single person on this earth who wants to, has a relationship with him. And that, the details and the depth of this relationship is revealed only to us. Let me explain, my relationship with God is like no one else's. Why? Because every single person is fearfully and wonderfully made, but there is no carbon copy, we are not all the same, every single one of us is drastically different than another. Therefore there is no way that I am in ANY position to judge another person because of what their relationship with God looks like. Every single person on this earth lives in the same flippin glass house! We ALL sin. All of us without question are horrid, icky, dark, twisted creatures that really, have no right to inhabit this earth with all the arrogance of immortality. However, there is one redeeming factor in this whole sticky situation, God. It is clear in the Bible that before Jesus, God was not a merciful judge. He made cutthroat decisions in order to protect his people, and if they disobeyed him, look out. But Jesus changed things. Jesus brought the redemption and forgiveness and all the warm mushy feelings. Jesus literally, literally paid for our sins with his blood. He stood between us and the greatest being of all time and said, I will pay for your sins so that you are as white as snow when you enter the kingdom of Heaven. So. All this is going somewhere I promise. In regards to the Church, the Bible, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and homosexuality the church and society could literally argue about this until we are blue in the face, run out of air, die and go to Heaven to find out the real answer only to realize that IT DOESN'T BLOODY MATTER. We all have different opinions and statements and ideas, but at the end of the day what really matters to you? Every single one of us has a different relationship with God, that no one else on this earth could even begin to comprehend. Only you and God know what really goes on there, it is a tremendously private and intimate thing, to have a relationship with the God of the universe. So. As I said before, we ALL live in the glass house. We have NO right to throw stones. We ALL sin. There is NO difference between sins, between hating your enemy and a girl marrying and living with another girl. I'm sorry, but what this whole argument comes down to, is the arrogance of mankind. We all think we are right! We all think that so and so can't possibly be living in a right relationship with God because they are doing such and such. HOW THE HELL DO WE KNOW? What really needs to happen is that we need to shut our mouths, and examine our own hearts, and examine our own relationship with God. If the church stopped for ONE WHOLE MINUTE to be quiet and brutally honest it would see how far off the tracks it has tumbled. And you know what, this train has been led off the tracks by well meaning people who followed the wrong voice. It can happen to every single one of us, no one is immune. And for the people like me, who are a little more than put out at the way the church has treated other human beings, specifically homosexuals in this conversation, also need to take a step back. We can become so immersed in feelings and sentiments and justice that we no longer hear God's voice. It has happened to me, lot's. Some of my closest and greatest friends happen to be gay, and personally I feel ill at the way they view the church. But that doesn't mean that I have the right to throw stones at either party. Despite what I think and feel, I always have to revert back to the only thing that matters, God. We are all entitled to opinions, but the need to shout them from the rooftops in an effort to prove ourselves, and to prove points is quite unnecessary. Who are we to think we know what's best for others? I repeat, no one knows what it's like to be you, to have that relationship with God. No one has the right to judge homosexuals , because in reality they could be closer to God than you are, and in some desperate unknown attempt to prove that your better you have decided to stick your nose up. I go to church. I pray. I I I I I .... when really, basically everything that is an issue on this earth could be fixed if the sentence became: God, grant me the grace not to punch this jerk in the face, God, I'm sorry for punching him in the face, God, God God  God. So, at the end of this long ... I don't know what to even call it... this is what I truly hoped got across: God loves all of us unconditionally, and the relationship we have with him is personal, and it is none of our business to stick our nose into other people's relationship with God. And the second thing I hoped got across is this: Really, in the end gay marriage, and being gay in the first place shouldn't even be an issue, because who are we to even voice an opinion about someone else's life unless invited to do so. This whole thing has gotten past the point of ridiculous. I have literally argued and struggled with God for a LONG time about this issue. And then, I realized, it truly is none of my business. I will love those that need to be loved, pour my heart into those that are suffering and simply live my life. I have no qualms stating that I have no problem with gays, and gay marriage. No problem whatsoever. But the struggle, and the agony that we put ourselves through daily trying to figure out the real answer is quite unnecessary and a waste of time. I know that now. I truly believe that my own heart and salvation is between me and God, and if I so choose I can let others speak into that. And I believe that every other human being has that right. So, I do believe that homosexuality will always be an issue. Some people will continue to fight it till the end of the time. Let's not concern ourselves with that. Let's love instead of getting frustrated over those that don't understand. Let's love the gays, and ignore the bastards who are harping on our shoulders trying to tell us to stop. Let's be examples of light and goodness to the darkest of places. Lay down the weapons we use to fight with other believers, and instead pick up the lanterns and spread the love of God into the darkness.

21

So, on the eve of my 21st birthday I have decided to write a blog post. And truthfully, it will probably actually be my birthday by the time I'm done writing this. However, this is beside the point. Throughout my life I have been brought up in a Christian home, taught all the right things to believe, and in general have been taught to think a certain way. Well, they tried that anyway. I don't think it quite worked out as they hoped. While I wholeheartedly appreciate and love my parents and the sacrifices they made for me, I can't help but see some flaws, as every child eventually does. I was telling a really close friend that I grew up in quite a shell, and she laughed at me. The way she put it was: "HA HA HA HA. THAT SHELL IS GONE!" At first I was quite taken aback, I thought that I still had some sort of dignity, and then I grew content, I realized that eventually, there comes a time when a person has to become their own intrinsic self and that it is ok to be someone completely different than who I was ten years ago (I was FRICKEN 11 ten years ago, God I am SO OLD) Anyway, I am well aware that I am rambling so I just have this to say. I have grown into this person who has learned to value the things that I want and think need to be valued. I have learned to stand on my own two feet. I have learned that God is faithful, and that he is true. I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, of what I believe, and of what I think. I have learned to listen to the Holy Spirit. I have learned that drinking to much caffeine and staying up all night may just result in the coolest conversation with God ever. I have also learned that after this cool conversation with God that it can actually happen anywhere if your heart is open to it. This last year has been one for the books, let me tell you. I moved out, I found my way, I found the love of my heart (God), I've always been strong, but I found courage. And most importantly  of all, I found me. Happy 21st Birthday to me.

Impact

So, a little while ago we had someone put a particularly interesting comment on our Starbucks customer voice survey. They said: "I love this Starbucks because they make me feel like a somebody." My manager and I talked about it later, and both of us came away from that statement so impacted. A couple weeks ago we were in worship practice and we were about to start playing the song 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman. The first verse goes like this:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning;
It's time to sing your song again.
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
Let me be singing when the evening comes

As I was reading this verse, I began to tear up. I have always loved this song because it is chalk full of God's promises, but I had never thought of this song as a way to live life. I have always struggled with being negative, and truthfully sometimes I get so absorbed with what's going on in my head that I get rather agitated and grumpy, and I complain. A lot. So, as I was reading this song my heart was so impacted. What if, what if instead of complaining about life, instead of getting grumpy and frustrated with the smallest, insignificant things, what if I decide to choose to be singing when the evening comes?

I have a theory. I think that when we choose to be singing when the evening comes, I think that when we choose life giving sentiments instead of life sucking ones, we can impact not only ourselves, but others. It's not about us. Just think, by choosing joy, by choosing life, we in turn can give others life, we can make others feel like a somebody! You never know who you are going to come in contact with and how you can affect them.

In the end, if you choose to be singing God's promises in the morning, afternoon, and evening, that joy will shine through. It's not about life's little inconsistencies, but about how your song can impact others.

Brand New

When 2012 rolled around I was busy scraping the ice and snow off the back of my window on the side of some random street so I wouldn't be pulled over by the cops. In previous years I would look upon this as a massive fail. Now, I look upon it as being me. 2011 brought about a lot of issues and painful realizations, paired with incomprehensible hope. I have began to realize that God cannot be put in a box to be taken out when your ready. I have began to realize that making decisions that bring you life are as important as breathing, just as stuffing God in a box, you can't stuff yourself in one either, that brings lifelessness. Something else I've discovered is that healing from old wounds is more painful and hard then one would assume. But, I have also discovered that walking through that healing with the Holy Spirit makes for an incredible experience. I have discovered that I had lost my joy in years past, and instead it was replaced with sadness. I have been on a journey to get all my joy and more back. I have become more in love with my Jesus as 2011 went by. And, one of the most important things I have decided to keep in mind for 2012 that I have learned in 2011 is this: It's ok to fail. It's ok to fall, but it's really really important to get back up and keep fighting. Fight for your joy. Fight for hope. Fight for relationships. Fight for a relationship with Jesus. Don't give up just because you've fallen down so many times. Keep standing and fighting, cause it pisses the enemy off. Give your whole heart to the Father of Lights and he will bless you with more than you can imagine. Just remember, it's important to fight for life. 

© Julia Bethany

Spirit Man

So. I haven't posted in a while because. Because. Because I have been going through a time of processing life. I have a lot of school work, I have lots and lots of Starbucks in my life. And, in general I just needed the time to think of things, and to really, really work on my relationship with God. So. In this time of quiet, and in this time of really seeking out God there are things that are being poured into my life that I never thought imaginable, and there are things that I've seen, done, and heard in the presence of God, and it's SO cool. See, here's the thing. The love of God is incomparable, incomprehensible, intoxicating, divine, and awe inspiring. When the Holy Spirit comes and lives in you, it's impossible not to feel the love of God. Some people fight it, they fight the Holy Spirit and the joy and love that comes with it, because they don't feel worthy, or they just don't understand. No. No no  no. The Holy Spirit loves the humble, those who open themselves up to him. Those who are not afraid to go there, to go where he is asking you to go. You see, there is far more to God than rules and religion, in fact, that is not God at all. God lives in the hearts and spirits of man, and if you refuse to acknowledge that it's your own problem. However, I have been acknowledging it. I think that God loves to laugh. And frankly, if I'm going to be honest, I'm a pretty hilarious person, especially when I do some of the stupidest things ever, and realize that what I'm doing is stupid, and start giggling away, I think that God loves to laugh along. Along this cool new journey I have been investigating and experiencing the Supernatural, I have been talking and listening to God. And it is the most beautiful feeling ever. What started all this off for me was when the Peters came to our church. When I first found out that they were coming months before they arrived it was like hope was born in my heart, and in my dry bones. When they were finally here, I said to God: I feel like there is going to be a breaking in my spirit this weekend, and I'm so excited. Well there was, I was so blessed and I felt like that what God imparted to me is being stored in my heart. See, I love the fact that anytime of the day, anyone can take time out of it and talk to God. Talk to God on your way to work, in lines at the Grocery store. Sing on your way to work. God doesn't care if you have Adele's voice or not. Just pour out your heart. God wants you to know him, he wants to know you more. He wants to know the intricacies of your day, and of your heart from your mouth. He loves you more than anyone could ever imagine, and he wants to talk to you. He loves your laugh, your stories, he is compassionate with your sorrows and pain. Each person is of equal worth in the Kingdom of God, and he wants you to know that. There are no superstars. All it takes is five minutes of your time. Even, even just say: Hello Jesus. I'm here. That's it. Days get so busy and overwhelming, and sometimes all you want to do is curl up in a ball, but God is always always there. He loves you. Your precious, worthy and beautiful, and you are his child. He loves on you constantly, so try loving on Him back, and see the COOL awesome things that he does. That's it. That's my blog post.

Oh Hope, you elusive slight of hand.

Something that I have strongly come to believe in recently is hope. Hope is like the breadth of life. It pours into your soul like rain in a desert. It goes past all boundaries and speaks to your heart. It brings life to your spirit. It brings songs to your lips, and purpose to your walk. However, there is nothing so elusive as hope. Hope can run through your fingertips like running water. It can run faster than you can. It hides in the shadows, watching and waiting. My point in this whole post is this, while hope is this beautiful, tangible thing, it can also be this elusive bastard, running and seemingly laughing in your face. Which is why, in the end, I think hope comes down to choice. You can choose to let hope speak to your heart, you can choose to see hope in a child's eyes, you can choose to see hope for your future, you can choose hope so that you can have life. Or, you can let hope go, you can let it run through your fingertips, because after all, you aren't good enough for it. Why should you be able to have something so precious as hope? What on earth makes you think you deserve something so ethereal and beautiful? Well, I repeat, it comes down to choice. Seeing the fact that we are not worthy to receive the large amount of grace that we do, being able to comprehend that, and then being able to look into the future full of hope and belonging is a choice. You can choose to sit in the dark hellhole of self condemnation , and believe, truly believe that you aren't worthy. Or you can look past yourself, and embrace the bright future that is in front of you, and never, ever let go of hope.

© Julia Bethany

Awe.

So in the midst of wandering around this life without a clue of exactly, exactly what I'm doing, I have discovered something so profound. It's OK to wander around not knowing things. IN FACT. It's OK to wander around searching for those things that you don't know. Someone important in my life told me for as long as I can remember that I shouldn't seek things because, if they aren't needed than why should we know them. Seek God and you will have all you ever need Julia, is the answer I got every time I tried questioning that statement. For someone like me, someone who is constantly seeking out answers, and knowledge and wisdom, that is a heartbreaking thing to tell a little girl. It is heartbreaking because, I am now learning, at twenty, that it is perfectly OK not to know where your headed, and that it is perfectly fine to seek out knowledge. Not everything in life has to be planned out, because it doesn't work that way. Sometimes it's just best to be along for the ride, and not to be in control. And you don't have to be narrow minded just because someone told you that it's easier and better to not seek knowledge because knowledge can maybe change your mind about things ... I personally do believe that God is fine with me having wisdom, to be knowledgeable, because I can guarantee that I will come out the better for it. I can guarantee at this point in my life that despite the things I learned, despite the fact that they may be wrong, I will choose him in the end. Ha. HA. I know to much. I have seen, felt and heard to much to deny that there is a God. I have not known anything so precious as to feel him speak to me. To feel his presence. To get shivers because I can see him at work. My mind is blown at the fact that someone that huge, and important, and incredible, loves ME. He loves ME. HA. At the end of the day, all that's left is me and him. That's it. No pretenses, no walls. Just me and the big guy. I have never known, and will never ever know such an infinite and tangible love. People can deny God all they want, but whether they can see it or not, the fact that they are denying, fighting, and struggling with the thought of God, proves that there is one. How could someone struggle over something so much if that thing isn't there in the first place? We are called weak and spineless for believing in something that we apparently only believe in to make ourselves feel better. I think that it takes great strength to believe in something, someone. We are let down by those around us so much it's hard to believe or trust anything or anyone. God is more than a mere thought. God is deep. Fathomless. And He.Loves.Me.

I am rambling and I know it. Sorry. My point, dear people is this. I have discovered, with much delight, that it is OK not to know exactly what we are doing in life. And to even more delight, I have discovered that it is OK to seek knowledge and wisdom wholeheartedly. But, I have to make sure to take that which I have learned, and to sift out the junk and keep the treasure. I choose that which brings me life.

An Intrinsically Designed Heart

The heart is this masterpiece full of deceit and hatred, and of love and passion. The heart is this organ that beats, that keeps you alive. But it's more than that. Your heart is tricky, fickle, and full of darkness. Your heart wanders, it burns, and it lusts. Your heart never learns, it's almost as if it keeps going back to what it wants, over and over again, in order to realize once again that you are back where you started. There are those who have the biggest of hearts, and those with the simplest of ones. The one's with the big hearts usually tend to get in a little more trouble than those with the simpler one's. Big hearted people tend to love more deeply and more openly, and emotionally than simple hearted people. Simple hearted is not bad, simple hearted means you are able to distance yourself from those around you and think about what is best for you instead of sacrificing yourself for others happiness. But, I think that big hearted, simple hearted, average hearted, we are all intrinsically and intricately designed. We are designed with the freedom to choose, the freedom to choose love over hate, passion over anger, truth over deceit, forgiveness over bitterness, and happiness over self pity. So why is it, I ask you, if we are in this thing called life, where we are supposed to cherish and uphold others. Where we are supposed to love and encourage. Where we are decreed by God to take care of our own. Why is it, that the more we try, the more we get more tangled up in ourselves, in our hearts? I personally think it's because we second guess ourselves. I think that people have this giant, GIANT capacity to love because whether we believe it or not we were created by a loving God. We were created in love. And I think that that thought right there scares the living crap out of most people. I think that everyone has the ability to love because we were created with this intrinsic beauty, this intrinsic, intensely personal, precious love. We all have unique hearts. Hearts that are scared. Hearts that are courageous. Hearts that quake at love, whether it be natural or through experience. Hearts that melt. Hearts that are gold. Hearts that are sacred. Hearts that hurt. Hearts that grieve. Hearts that care. Hearts that love WAY to much. Every single one of us has an intrinsic, special and personal heart. So mine and God's thing is, and has always been, "Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it comes the wellspring of life."