An Intrinsically Designed Heart

The heart is this masterpiece full of deceit and hatred, and of love and passion. The heart is this organ that beats, that keeps you alive. But it's more than that. Your heart is tricky, fickle, and full of darkness. Your heart wanders, it burns, and it lusts. Your heart never learns, it's almost as if it keeps going back to what it wants, over and over again, in order to realize once again that you are back where you started. There are those who have the biggest of hearts, and those with the simplest of ones. The one's with the big hearts usually tend to get in a little more trouble than those with the simpler one's. Big hearted people tend to love more deeply and more openly, and emotionally than simple hearted people. Simple hearted is not bad, simple hearted means you are able to distance yourself from those around you and think about what is best for you instead of sacrificing yourself for others happiness. But, I think that big hearted, simple hearted, average hearted, we are all intrinsically and intricately designed. We are designed with the freedom to choose, the freedom to choose love over hate, passion over anger, truth over deceit, forgiveness over bitterness, and happiness over self pity. So why is it, I ask you, if we are in this thing called life, where we are supposed to cherish and uphold others. Where we are supposed to love and encourage. Where we are decreed by God to take care of our own. Why is it, that the more we try, the more we get more tangled up in ourselves, in our hearts? I personally think it's because we second guess ourselves. I think that people have this giant, GIANT capacity to love because whether we believe it or not we were created by a loving God. We were created in love. And I think that that thought right there scares the living crap out of most people. I think that everyone has the ability to love because we were created with this intrinsic beauty, this intrinsic, intensely personal, precious love. We all have unique hearts. Hearts that are scared. Hearts that are courageous. Hearts that quake at love, whether it be natural or through experience. Hearts that melt. Hearts that are gold. Hearts that are sacred. Hearts that hurt. Hearts that grieve. Hearts that care. Hearts that love WAY to much. Every single one of us has an intrinsic, special and personal heart. So mine and God's thing is, and has always been, "Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it comes the wellspring of life."

Your Grace is Sufficient for Me

When your heart hurts so much you wish you could tear it out of your chest.

When you are so happy you skip down the street singing Jesus Loves me at the top of your lungs.

When you try to hide. or try to run.

When you simply walk through life just trying to breathe.

When you can't stop smiling like a fool.

When your sad.

When your lonely.

When your content.

When your overwhelmed.

When you do wrong.

When you do right.

God is there.

God is always, always there.

Loving you.

Romancing you.

Holding you.

And it seems, when you absolutely do not want him there.

He's there anyway.

Bringing Truth.

Bringing Light.

Bringing Beauty

Bringing Life.

And, since he's God.

The more we run, the more we hide, the more He seeks.

You can't run away from God.

That's not how it works.

And God does not, He does not run away from you.

He loves you.

He wants you.

He wants your heart to be his.

But your scared.

Terrified even.

Because, what if God turns on you?

What if He gets angry.

Or frustrated.

Or impatient.

What if you fail?

Will God leave you?

Will he leave you for someone else?

Someone else who can be you better.

Someone who is perfect, whole and beautiful.

Not someone who has struggles, someone who is dark, and twisty.

Why would God want someone like you?

And then that part, where He brings truth, it pours into your soul like a rainstorm in a desert.

It washes away the pain, the hurt, and the doubt.

And you get it.

For a brief moment you get it.

He loves you. He wants you. He needs you.

You are imperfect, your heart is dark and twisted, and so utterly human.

And he wants you that way. He loves you that way.

God's grace is not fickle.

He does not pick and choose who to bestow his grace upon.

It is indescribable. Beautiful.

And it's yours.

Life

I think that sometimes, life sucks. Some try and combat that fact with laughter and fake little smiles. Some, some just stay in bed. Others eat. Others smoke. Others drink their sorrows away. Others exercise. We are all looking for something to make us feel better. And really, I really am wondering, do we actually get the chance to choose happiness? Is it a choice? I think so. I think that we can choose to drag ourselves out of bed, I think we can choose to overcome the fact that life sucks but I also think that its hard. I think that sometimes it gets to hard. Way, way, way, way to fricken hard. And sometimes even though we make the choice again and again to get up, to keep going, we get a break sometimes. I think, that since we are human beings we deserve a break. We deserve to break down once in while. We deserve to be depressed, and anxious, and sad, because, at the end of the day, your heart still beats, your brain still works, your still breathing and living. God is still there. In those moments, in those precious moments where we are broken, and vulnerable, and hurting, that's when God becomes more and more real. That's where he steps in and holds our hearts. Because we aren't strong enough to hold ourselves up ALL the time. We are not strong enough to hold all our burdens, and sadness, and heavy hearts up ALL the time. We are not meant to hold ourselves up ALL the time. Sometimes, you need others. Sometimes you need God. I know that people say to hold your head up, that there is hope. But can I get anyone, anyone to agree with me when I say that sometimes, sometimes we need to just be sad. Sometimes we need to go curl up in a ball somewhere and cry. Sometimes we need to hold our head up, but we are allowed to do it with a heavy heart. I don't have anything inspirational to say. I don't have anything smart, or quick witted to speak about. I don't have any complaints or harsh words, or anything Christianeseish to say. I just want to be anything but ordinary, but to be anything but ordinary, I have come to the conclusion that sometimes I am allowed, that sometimes we are all allowed to be broken. Broken so we can be healed. And that, that is where hope lingers.

Precious Stones

                                                       

In the form of many things, I keep receiving precious stones.

These stones are not always received with an open heart,

but whether these stones come in the form of something like

truth, laughter and love,

joy and light,

the vibrancy of life,

or perhaps something subtle and poignant, like grace.

whatever these stones may entail,

it is soon realized that they act as a healing balm,

to a hurting, weary and thirsty heart.

Whether the hurt was self inflicted,

or whether it was unjustly received,

these stones, while not always received well

by this intrinsically designed heart,

provide a freedom not known before.

This heart feels a freedom to be itself,

The freedom to bask in the love of God.

With no guilt. No shame. No judgement.

These stones, provide this heart the strength

to break the chains holding it back.

These stones provide this heart with

the courage to fail. The courage to choose.

And what this heart chooses to accept is

freedom, grace and mercy.

Because that is what perfect love is all about.

© Julia Bethany

Where does happiness come from?

Does it come from inside, from the heart, the soul, the mind?

Or does it come from the struggles of life?

Where does joy come from?

Does it come bubbling up, from deep, deep inside?

Or does it come naturally to some, and not to others?

Where does laughter come from?

Does it come from joy? Happiness?

Or does it come from pure excitement?

Some ask, what does it mean to be happy?

What does it mean to be joyful?

What does it feel like to laugh so hard you can't breathe?

Happiness is right there in front of you, don't be afraid to grab onto it for dear life.

Joy stems from whether you choose to live, to truly live life to the fullest.

And laughter, laughter will be there when you want it too. 

© Julia Bethany

This is my heart crying out, this is me, on my knees.

I think people who continually seek things with their whole heart have life.

I think someone who stands there in complacency doesn't. 

I think people who believe in something, but are willing to listen and change, get it. 

I think people who stick to the same old beliefs without listening are blind and foolish. 

I think people with open hearts, who stand under an open heaven, understand how beautiful God is.

I think people who judge others, count themselves as holy, and refuse to see the heart or the soul don't. 

I think that people who believe in and have seen hope will continue to have everlasting joy.

I think those that can't or won't see hope don't. 

I think that people who hunger and thirst for more have seen, and will see favor.

I think people who think they have it all, don't see favor.

I think servants understand the love of God.

I think the self righteous don't. 

I think that atheists have a better understanding of God than many Christians.

I think that many Christians think they know, but don't really.

I think that people who love others whole heartedly understand grace.

I think that people who look at the outside rather than the inside don't. 

but.

I think that despite all our failings, grace and mercy will follow us for the rest of our lives,

despite my failings, grace and mercy will follow me for the rest of my life.

and.

it brings me to tears every time.

© Julia Bethany

Sometimes

Sometimes all you need is pure joy.

Sometimes all you need is love.

Sometimes all you need is to be carefree.

Sometimes all you need is to fly.

Sometimes all you need is precious friends.

Sometimes all you need is to dance the night away.

Sometimes all you need is to be you.

And sometimes all you need is God. 

© Julia Bethany

So

I have not written in a long time because ... just because. If I explained it would be called whining, or if any of you are familiar with the game gripe and complain (the card game) insert the other word for gripe (it rhymes with itch) and picture me sitting here at my computer. So, I thought I had better write something soon otherwise I will never ever write here again. 2011 has been an interesting year for me so far. I am not sure I would call it interesting, or just plain hard. Being given the chance to grow into who I want to be isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It takes work, and it takes being put through the grinder, again and again. I feel as if I am being shaped and molded, and pushed and pulled in every which way. It is so hard. I am in the midst of figuring out my truths, I am busy figuring out what I believe and what I think. And, surprisingly, I am finding out that the more I investigate into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I find out about the darkness of the human heart. While I am discovering all these intricacies about the darkness of the human heart, I am also seeing that it is possible to overcome that darkness. It is possible to choose light. Not that I am saying that every human is evil and deserves to go to hell, no. We were built out of love, then we sinned, therefore we have dark hearts, it is human nature. That was a big revelation for me because I used to think that the world was a bit more of a "fluffy" place. I used to avoid soul and heart searching because I wanted to avoid the fact that I, Julia Haiste, have problems. I actually am a human! WOW! I believe (and here it comes, the ONE thing that I have discovered by being put through the grinder time and time again) that despite that we as a human race tend to be selfish, overindulgent, mean spirited, covering our own asses with excuse after excuse, greedy, guilty, lustful, and all in all, a big bunch of sinners, we still have the option to choose grace. I know that something I struggle with is letting go. I do not let go of my own faults and failures, and if I have been wronged I don't let go of it. I forgive the person, I don't hold a grudge towards them. But somehow, I turn what they did  to me into something that is my fault, therefore   it is almost like I have a wound that  never heals. I struggle with that. I really really really struggle with that. I need to go to the cross more often, I need to ask for forgiveness. However, the biggest thing for me is to actually accept that I have been forgiven, and to stop feeling so friggen guilty about all my failures, and accept the healing balm. Grace.  So, this post is proof of how therapeutic writing is. I really didn't know what I was going to write. But all this came out, so it is probably for a reason. So, so so so so. I encourage all my readers (all six of you) to do some searching. It isn't easy, it really isn't. But I encourage you to discover your truths. I think that you will find some interesting things out about yourself. <3

© Julia Bethany

You Know . . .

The word "know" has so many different meanings and modifications that it's a wonder anyone can ever figure out  what a person actually means when they say know. The word "know" is derived from the word "knowledge" (that is my educated guess, if not, then, well, I suck). Being Knowledgeable can come from reading books, or watching TV (not my personal opinion, but) or watching other people. But I think that most knowledge comes from life experience. For example, I know not to stick my hand on the burner a second time because I will get burned. I know not to stick my hand behind the Starbucks fridges again without looking because yes, I will get scratched, and yes I will bleed profusely. Much of this is taught by our parents, and much of this is taught by our own hands on experiences. So, my diatribe leads to this one key point in a girls life. Boys. Men. Yeah those guys that tend to either wreak havoc or bring joy. Yeah. Them. The point being, guys are important. Very important. And us girls need to make sure that we have each others back when it comes to matters of the heart, like boys. Since we girls tend to think with our heart when it comes to such things as love, it leads us into trouble more times then not if we are not careful. I am not saying in any way that boys are these bad, evil beings that deserve nothing. So, this leads me to my key, and last point. Girls, watch yourselves because I believe that nothing good comes out of chasing after all the wrong things. It leads down paths that do not hold truth, and life. It leads to such things as unhappiness, and twenty years down the road, you may find yourself saying "I wish I had. . . ." Wait for the right guy to come along. Stand your ground. Find your prince. 

ugh. It's January.

What is it about January that sucks everything that you have to give right out of you? What is it about January that makes me feel so devoid of hope, passion, and joy? I feel like one of those buoys out on the ocean, tossed around without any feeling nor thought. I read the Bible, yeah, it is good, what it says is so good, but I can't get my voice past the dry lump in my throat to actually sound passionate. I can laugh at something, but it's this harsh brittle sound, rather than my usual infectious giggle. I can smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I am going through what I like to call a desert storm. I can have dry times, beautiful refreshing rain times, but once in a while I get caught in this windstorm. You know, the kind of desert storm like they show in the movies, a coughing, stumbling movie actor covered in dust being torn apart by the wind. I feel.n.o.t.h.i.n.g. This sucks. I am usually this vibrant human being, this joyful force of nature. So, my rambly thoughts have come to this. Does God give us these desert storms once in a while just to remind us of how much we have and should be grateful for? Or do we put ourselves in these predicaments, with our self serving humanistic egos, with our selfish, sinful ways? I guess the adage drilled into me as a child still remains (unfortunately) you reap what you sow Julia, you reap what you sow. But what about the good things I've sown? Where are they? For all those wondering I am not sunk into depression. I just feel blahish and that is abnormal. Some opinions would be nice!  :)

... I guess this is my New Years post?

I have a questioning mind. It never stops moving and challenging. It is like those hamster wheels, but the hamster never ever gets off my wheel. My most recent thought is why does the human psyche constantly doubt, judge, and tear itself apart, and in general generate that nagging little voice in the back of your head. No matter what, I am constantly trying to ignore that little voice because no matter how seductive it may seem, once you start listening to it one falls into blackness, utter darkness matched with terrifying desperation. What is it about us that makes us listen to that beautiful, seductive, alluring little voice time and time again. Why? Why, if we finally climb out of the blackness of our own hearts, do we let the voice tease us back into the corner, and why do we let ourselves stay in that corner, suffocating, drowning. What is it that holds us back, tampering with the dreams that the creator has given us, twisting and turning them until we no longer see ourselves and our dreams as "he" sees us, but instead we see ourselves as the little voice wants us to see ourselves. Small, inept, unworthy. So, we stay in the corner thinking we are comfortable, if not maybe lukewarm, but comfortable. And if we challenge it, breaking the chains holding us back and run towards the light and the warmth that the creator makes, while all along hands and voices are pulling us back to the comfort, what happens? If we make it, if we make it into the safety of the creator's arms, even for one, brief, second we get a glimpse of what should be. We get told we are beautiful, loved humans made purely for him. We are told we are forgiven and we are given grace, bountiful grace. But then, that little velvety voice starts in again. And it takes away the utter joy, and the safety you feel. It turns it around so that what you think no longer matches what you want to feel. And against your better judgement you turn around and go back into the crushing darkness. Again, what is it that sucks us back in again? Is it the busyness if life? Is it simply because we don't take time to be with God? Or is it simply a pattern that happens over and over and over again? Can we do anything to break the pattern? Maybe if we ignore the voice for just a moment longer it will go away and we can remain in the creators presence. I don't have the answer, no answers to this dilemma of my heart that I see everyone go through. But it is worth mentioning isn't it. So, with that being said, may 2011 be the year that this world seeks the truth instead of the lukewarm comfort we find ourselves in. May 2011 be the year that we step out and do what is right. May 2011 be the year that God breaks through the barriers of people's hearts and reveals himself to them. May 2011 be the year of revival and the breaking of chains. May 2011 be the year of healing. May 2011 be the year where God's people stand up and say, enough, enough of being lukewarm, we want to be red hot for God or not at all. May 2011 be the year that all the forgotten dreams and desires of our hearts be rediscovered and re implanted into our hearts. May 2011 be the year that the burdens we have carried for so long be washed away with the tide.  May 2011 be the year that we all stand up in unity and break all those chains. May 2011 be the year that all those seeds planted so long ago in our hearts start to grow and   bloom. 

relationships,servants, love and all that falls between

 I don't want to be religious, I want a relationship. I go to church every Sunday like a faithful good religious girl, but where is the passion and the love in the word religion. Religion reminds me of self righteousness. Like, since I am a Christian, I am so much better than she is. I do not want to be labeled under the category of religion, because religion judges people, it puts people into categories. For example, Catholics, Christians, Muslims, Jews . . . you name it. Or, here's a good one: Penecostal, Baptist, Anglian, Lutheran, Charismatic . . . isn't that ridiculous? Do you really think that God cares? If I had to be religious, I would choose anything but. I would prefer a relationship. You see, the word relationship puts a whole different perspective on things. Relationship means that it is not a cold transaction every Sunday morning. Relationship means that passion and love are part of the equation. Religion, to me, means that it requires you to say a rosary, to do good things to get to Heaven. To go to Mecca on a pilgremage once in your life. To kneel on hard floor boards for hours.  I don't know about you, but I would prefer a kind and loving God, a God you can cry out to, who you can share everything with, who gives you dreams and visions and love, someone who is gracious and compassionate,  someone who accepts you as you are with no doubt in his mind as to how precious each of us are. Love. If I was an athiest, I would turn my nose at religious people, but look and see those who love others whole heartedly, who are not pushy and arrogant because they have "religion". I think that this was Jesus' point. He didn't look at the poor and the hungry and the prostitutes and turn his nose like the pharisees did. You see, the pharisees followed the book, the rules, they were religious . . .but Jesus, Jesus saw the good in everyone despite their circumstances, he saw the need to love people. Some people serve serve serve until they die, and the self righteous look at that and say, ha, they are wasting their time on the downtrodden, on the weary, on the drug users, on the alcoholics, on the prostitutes. We have a chance to  see the importance of loving people, for who they are, but until we get that, we are blind. But God, God does get it, he does, its impossible for him not to love us, but we can't grasp that because we are human, and as humans we have all these frailties, these insecurities, all these problems that we think we can't overcome. But God loves us just the same. And the people that serve, they get that, not because they completely understand God's love for them, but they realize the incredible grace and beauty that comes out of sharing what they know with others. I think servants have a bigger idea of what love is because in order to serve someone, you have to be able to love. Isn't that what all those stories we read subtly point at? About how that certain servant was the "lady of the house's" favorite servant simply because the servant loved, the servant served out of love (Hadassah from the Mark of the Lion books anyone) Believe me, people can tell the difference. People can tell whether you want to be there or not. So coming to the end of my mantra, anyone can be a servant. Anyone can love and serve from their hearts, it just takes time and reflection. And it takes you.

flying

I would love to do this. Love it. I have never even sky dived and I know that I would love this. Apparently though it takes years of training by skydiving before one can even graduate to the wing suit. What would have happened if I had trained in this instead of something like piano? (No offense Mrs. G). Do I think that I would have been more fulfilled, simply because I am more daring then others? No. I love a challenge, I would love to be able to jump off a cliff and fly my way through the mountain ranges. However, it is not my time yet. It is not my time. There are times for things, and those desires of our hearts that we never share with anyone will eventually come to pass in some shape or form if we hold onto them and don't forget about them because they seem impossible (run on sentence, I know). I know that many of us do forget, and then when we see something like this it becomes bittersweet because we remember that which has faded into the background and eventually, over the years it erodes away. Hold onto your dreams people, they are important. 

but in the morning . . .

The morning brings new life. The morning brings hope, joy, and as Anne of Green Gables put it: Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it. I am tired, I am weary, my heart is hurting. But in the morning . . . oh the morning, grace is granted and hope is refreshed.