So

I have not written in a long time because ... just because. If I explained it would be called whining, or if any of you are familiar with the game gripe and complain (the card game) insert the other word for gripe (it rhymes with itch) and picture me sitting here at my computer. So, I thought I had better write something soon otherwise I will never ever write here again. 2011 has been an interesting year for me so far. I am not sure I would call it interesting, or just plain hard. Being given the chance to grow into who I want to be isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It takes work, and it takes being put through the grinder, again and again. I feel as if I am being shaped and molded, and pushed and pulled in every which way. It is so hard. I am in the midst of figuring out my truths, I am busy figuring out what I believe and what I think. And, surprisingly, I am finding out that the more I investigate into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I find out about the darkness of the human heart. While I am discovering all these intricacies about the darkness of the human heart, I am also seeing that it is possible to overcome that darkness. It is possible to choose light. Not that I am saying that every human is evil and deserves to go to hell, no. We were built out of love, then we sinned, therefore we have dark hearts, it is human nature. That was a big revelation for me because I used to think that the world was a bit more of a "fluffy" place. I used to avoid soul and heart searching because I wanted to avoid the fact that I, Julia Haiste, have problems. I actually am a human! WOW! I believe (and here it comes, the ONE thing that I have discovered by being put through the grinder time and time again) that despite that we as a human race tend to be selfish, overindulgent, mean spirited, covering our own asses with excuse after excuse, greedy, guilty, lustful, and all in all, a big bunch of sinners, we still have the option to choose grace. I know that something I struggle with is letting go. I do not let go of my own faults and failures, and if I have been wronged I don't let go of it. I forgive the person, I don't hold a grudge towards them. But somehow, I turn what they did  to me into something that is my fault, therefore   it is almost like I have a wound that  never heals. I struggle with that. I really really really struggle with that. I need to go to the cross more often, I need to ask for forgiveness. However, the biggest thing for me is to actually accept that I have been forgiven, and to stop feeling so friggen guilty about all my failures, and accept the healing balm. Grace.  So, this post is proof of how therapeutic writing is. I really didn't know what I was going to write. But all this came out, so it is probably for a reason. So, so so so so. I encourage all my readers (all six of you) to do some searching. It isn't easy, it really isn't. But I encourage you to discover your truths. I think that you will find some interesting things out about yourself. <3

© Julia Bethany

ugh. It's January.

What is it about January that sucks everything that you have to give right out of you? What is it about January that makes me feel so devoid of hope, passion, and joy? I feel like one of those buoys out on the ocean, tossed around without any feeling nor thought. I read the Bible, yeah, it is good, what it says is so good, but I can't get my voice past the dry lump in my throat to actually sound passionate. I can laugh at something, but it's this harsh brittle sound, rather than my usual infectious giggle. I can smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I am going through what I like to call a desert storm. I can have dry times, beautiful refreshing rain times, but once in a while I get caught in this windstorm. You know, the kind of desert storm like they show in the movies, a coughing, stumbling movie actor covered in dust being torn apart by the wind. I feel.n.o.t.h.i.n.g. This sucks. I am usually this vibrant human being, this joyful force of nature. So, my rambly thoughts have come to this. Does God give us these desert storms once in a while just to remind us of how much we have and should be grateful for? Or do we put ourselves in these predicaments, with our self serving humanistic egos, with our selfish, sinful ways? I guess the adage drilled into me as a child still remains (unfortunately) you reap what you sow Julia, you reap what you sow. But what about the good things I've sown? Where are they? For all those wondering I am not sunk into depression. I just feel blahish and that is abnormal. Some opinions would be nice!  :)

... I guess this is my New Years post?

I have a questioning mind. It never stops moving and challenging. It is like those hamster wheels, but the hamster never ever gets off my wheel. My most recent thought is why does the human psyche constantly doubt, judge, and tear itself apart, and in general generate that nagging little voice in the back of your head. No matter what, I am constantly trying to ignore that little voice because no matter how seductive it may seem, once you start listening to it one falls into blackness, utter darkness matched with terrifying desperation. What is it about us that makes us listen to that beautiful, seductive, alluring little voice time and time again. Why? Why, if we finally climb out of the blackness of our own hearts, do we let the voice tease us back into the corner, and why do we let ourselves stay in that corner, suffocating, drowning. What is it that holds us back, tampering with the dreams that the creator has given us, twisting and turning them until we no longer see ourselves and our dreams as "he" sees us, but instead we see ourselves as the little voice wants us to see ourselves. Small, inept, unworthy. So, we stay in the corner thinking we are comfortable, if not maybe lukewarm, but comfortable. And if we challenge it, breaking the chains holding us back and run towards the light and the warmth that the creator makes, while all along hands and voices are pulling us back to the comfort, what happens? If we make it, if we make it into the safety of the creator's arms, even for one, brief, second we get a glimpse of what should be. We get told we are beautiful, loved humans made purely for him. We are told we are forgiven and we are given grace, bountiful grace. But then, that little velvety voice starts in again. And it takes away the utter joy, and the safety you feel. It turns it around so that what you think no longer matches what you want to feel. And against your better judgement you turn around and go back into the crushing darkness. Again, what is it that sucks us back in again? Is it the busyness if life? Is it simply because we don't take time to be with God? Or is it simply a pattern that happens over and over and over again? Can we do anything to break the pattern? Maybe if we ignore the voice for just a moment longer it will go away and we can remain in the creators presence. I don't have the answer, no answers to this dilemma of my heart that I see everyone go through. But it is worth mentioning isn't it. So, with that being said, may 2011 be the year that this world seeks the truth instead of the lukewarm comfort we find ourselves in. May 2011 be the year that we step out and do what is right. May 2011 be the year that God breaks through the barriers of people's hearts and reveals himself to them. May 2011 be the year of revival and the breaking of chains. May 2011 be the year of healing. May 2011 be the year where God's people stand up and say, enough, enough of being lukewarm, we want to be red hot for God or not at all. May 2011 be the year that all the forgotten dreams and desires of our hearts be rediscovered and re implanted into our hearts. May 2011 be the year that the burdens we have carried for so long be washed away with the tide.  May 2011 be the year that we all stand up in unity and break all those chains. May 2011 be the year that all those seeds planted so long ago in our hearts start to grow and   bloom.