Your Grace is Sufficient for Me

When your heart hurts so much you wish you could tear it out of your chest.

When you are so happy you skip down the street singing Jesus Loves me at the top of your lungs.

When you try to hide. or try to run.

When you simply walk through life just trying to breathe.

When you can't stop smiling like a fool.

When your sad.

When your lonely.

When your content.

When your overwhelmed.

When you do wrong.

When you do right.

God is there.

God is always, always there.

Loving you.

Romancing you.

Holding you.

And it seems, when you absolutely do not want him there.

He's there anyway.

Bringing Truth.

Bringing Light.

Bringing Beauty

Bringing Life.

And, since he's God.

The more we run, the more we hide, the more He seeks.

You can't run away from God.

That's not how it works.

And God does not, He does not run away from you.

He loves you.

He wants you.

He wants your heart to be his.

But your scared.

Terrified even.

Because, what if God turns on you?

What if He gets angry.

Or frustrated.

Or impatient.

What if you fail?

Will God leave you?

Will he leave you for someone else?

Someone else who can be you better.

Someone who is perfect, whole and beautiful.

Not someone who has struggles, someone who is dark, and twisty.

Why would God want someone like you?

And then that part, where He brings truth, it pours into your soul like a rainstorm in a desert.

It washes away the pain, the hurt, and the doubt.

And you get it.

For a brief moment you get it.

He loves you. He wants you. He needs you.

You are imperfect, your heart is dark and twisted, and so utterly human.

And he wants you that way. He loves you that way.

God's grace is not fickle.

He does not pick and choose who to bestow his grace upon.

It is indescribable. Beautiful.

And it's yours.

Life

I think that sometimes, life sucks. Some try and combat that fact with laughter and fake little smiles. Some, some just stay in bed. Others eat. Others smoke. Others drink their sorrows away. Others exercise. We are all looking for something to make us feel better. And really, I really am wondering, do we actually get the chance to choose happiness? Is it a choice? I think so. I think that we can choose to drag ourselves out of bed, I think we can choose to overcome the fact that life sucks but I also think that its hard. I think that sometimes it gets to hard. Way, way, way, way to fricken hard. And sometimes even though we make the choice again and again to get up, to keep going, we get a break sometimes. I think, that since we are human beings we deserve a break. We deserve to break down once in while. We deserve to be depressed, and anxious, and sad, because, at the end of the day, your heart still beats, your brain still works, your still breathing and living. God is still there. In those moments, in those precious moments where we are broken, and vulnerable, and hurting, that's when God becomes more and more real. That's where he steps in and holds our hearts. Because we aren't strong enough to hold ourselves up ALL the time. We are not strong enough to hold all our burdens, and sadness, and heavy hearts up ALL the time. We are not meant to hold ourselves up ALL the time. Sometimes, you need others. Sometimes you need God. I know that people say to hold your head up, that there is hope. But can I get anyone, anyone to agree with me when I say that sometimes, sometimes we need to just be sad. Sometimes we need to go curl up in a ball somewhere and cry. Sometimes we need to hold our head up, but we are allowed to do it with a heavy heart. I don't have anything inspirational to say. I don't have anything smart, or quick witted to speak about. I don't have any complaints or harsh words, or anything Christianeseish to say. I just want to be anything but ordinary, but to be anything but ordinary, I have come to the conclusion that sometimes I am allowed, that sometimes we are all allowed to be broken. Broken so we can be healed. And that, that is where hope lingers.

Where does happiness come from?

Does it come from inside, from the heart, the soul, the mind?

Or does it come from the struggles of life?

Where does joy come from?

Does it come bubbling up, from deep, deep inside?

Or does it come naturally to some, and not to others?

Where does laughter come from?

Does it come from joy? Happiness?

Or does it come from pure excitement?

Some ask, what does it mean to be happy?

What does it mean to be joyful?

What does it feel like to laugh so hard you can't breathe?

Happiness is right there in front of you, don't be afraid to grab onto it for dear life.

Joy stems from whether you choose to live, to truly live life to the fullest.

And laughter, laughter will be there when you want it too. 

© Julia Bethany

Hope

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Sometimes, when it is virtually impossible to see anything positive, anything remotely brilliant about all the decisions you ever made, when it is, literally, virtually impossible to see anything that equals seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to feel, full out feel, grace, and hope. Then, you see a child's smile, hear a child's giggle, see bright shining eyes filled with possibilities, and in the blink of an eye, you feel it. In the blink of an eye you see all the things you lack, and you want it for yourself. You want that innocence of life, the unadulterated, bright hope, the infectious joy. You want that feeling of peace, of never ending dreams. I know you aren't "supposed" to covet, you aren't "supposed" to be jealous, you aren't "supposed" to look at someone else and say: I want that. But you do. Hell, everybody does. Everyone looks at others and sees something that they want for themselves. Everyone is insecure in some way, everyone has some failure, some desperate secret they scramble to keep hidden. What it is it about human frailty that brings all our faults to the forefront? What is it about human nature that has us fighting, scrapping, for the best qualities. And if we don't get them, we are unsatisfied. We want those things for ourselves. So, when we look at ourselves all we see is the dark, the horrible wretched heart, and not the positive, beautiful character traits that make me, and make you.  My other question is why, when you look at a child, do you have all these feelings and thoughts rush into your head? Why, when you look into those beautiful, intelligent eyes, so full of hope, do you also, feel so full of hope? I went to nanny this morning in a horrible mood. Just wretched. And I walked out of that house, buoyed by the utter sense of freedom, of joy, peace, and hope. Children must have this special power ... this special connection to God that creates in them healing hands. Something they have, I want. That is not coveting, that is not jealousy, it is simply admiration.

© Julia Bethany

Kyle

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

To Kyle, one of the most incredible people I have ever met:

I know this person named Kyle. Kyle is an amazing human with incredible talents and insights. Although Kyle is rather afraid of flying headsets, I love him just the same. You see, the thing about Kyle is that he accepts you just as you are, with no judgement or predispositions. I wish more people were like Kyle. I wish more people would strive for perfection like he does. I wish more people had a heart and a soul like Kyle, it would make this world a far better place. I really wish that I could see the world through Kyle's eyes, perhaps I would have a clearer vision of myself and others. Perhaps if my heart was as open as his is I would be able to push past the stuff blocking my way and conquer my fears. Not that I wish to be you Kyle, but there are several things I envy and want for myself. Your crystal clear view of the world, your inner beauty, your ability to make people feel like the most special thing on earth. You see, I look not only at the outside, but at the inside, and in you Kyle there is something so wonderful, I just can't put my finger on it. So kudos to you, dearest friend, you make my heart lighter. I am sorry this took me so long to write. I promised you awhile ago that I would write something for you, but I never got around to it. I hope this suffices. 

Love Julia

© Julia Bethany

This is my heart crying out, this is me, on my knees.

I think people who continually seek things with their whole heart have life.

I think someone who stands there in complacency doesn't. 

I think people who believe in something, but are willing to listen and change, get it. 

I think people who stick to the same old beliefs without listening are blind and foolish. 

I think people with open hearts, who stand under an open heaven, understand how beautiful God is.

I think people who judge others, count themselves as holy, and refuse to see the heart or the soul don't. 

I think that people who believe in and have seen hope will continue to have everlasting joy.

I think those that can't or won't see hope don't. 

I think that people who hunger and thirst for more have seen, and will see favor.

I think people who think they have it all, don't see favor.

I think servants understand the love of God.

I think the self righteous don't. 

I think that atheists have a better understanding of God than many Christians.

I think that many Christians think they know, but don't really.

I think that people who love others whole heartedly understand grace.

I think that people who look at the outside rather than the inside don't. 

but.

I think that despite all our failings, grace and mercy will follow us for the rest of our lives,

despite my failings, grace and mercy will follow me for the rest of my life.

and.

it brings me to tears every time.

© Julia Bethany

Sometimes

Sometimes all you need is pure joy.

Sometimes all you need is love.

Sometimes all you need is to be carefree.

Sometimes all you need is to fly.

Sometimes all you need is precious friends.

Sometimes all you need is to dance the night away.

Sometimes all you need is to be you.

And sometimes all you need is God. 

© Julia Bethany

So

I have not written in a long time because ... just because. If I explained it would be called whining, or if any of you are familiar with the game gripe and complain (the card game) insert the other word for gripe (it rhymes with itch) and picture me sitting here at my computer. So, I thought I had better write something soon otherwise I will never ever write here again. 2011 has been an interesting year for me so far. I am not sure I would call it interesting, or just plain hard. Being given the chance to grow into who I want to be isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It takes work, and it takes being put through the grinder, again and again. I feel as if I am being shaped and molded, and pushed and pulled in every which way. It is so hard. I am in the midst of figuring out my truths, I am busy figuring out what I believe and what I think. And, surprisingly, I am finding out that the more I investigate into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I find out about the darkness of the human heart. While I am discovering all these intricacies about the darkness of the human heart, I am also seeing that it is possible to overcome that darkness. It is possible to choose light. Not that I am saying that every human is evil and deserves to go to hell, no. We were built out of love, then we sinned, therefore we have dark hearts, it is human nature. That was a big revelation for me because I used to think that the world was a bit more of a "fluffy" place. I used to avoid soul and heart searching because I wanted to avoid the fact that I, Julia Haiste, have problems. I actually am a human! WOW! I believe (and here it comes, the ONE thing that I have discovered by being put through the grinder time and time again) that despite that we as a human race tend to be selfish, overindulgent, mean spirited, covering our own asses with excuse after excuse, greedy, guilty, lustful, and all in all, a big bunch of sinners, we still have the option to choose grace. I know that something I struggle with is letting go. I do not let go of my own faults and failures, and if I have been wronged I don't let go of it. I forgive the person, I don't hold a grudge towards them. But somehow, I turn what they did  to me into something that is my fault, therefore   it is almost like I have a wound that  never heals. I struggle with that. I really really really struggle with that. I need to go to the cross more often, I need to ask for forgiveness. However, the biggest thing for me is to actually accept that I have been forgiven, and to stop feeling so friggen guilty about all my failures, and accept the healing balm. Grace.  So, this post is proof of how therapeutic writing is. I really didn't know what I was going to write. But all this came out, so it is probably for a reason. So, so so so so. I encourage all my readers (all six of you) to do some searching. It isn't easy, it really isn't. But I encourage you to discover your truths. I think that you will find some interesting things out about yourself. <3

© Julia Bethany

You Know . . .

The word "know" has so many different meanings and modifications that it's a wonder anyone can ever figure out  what a person actually means when they say know. The word "know" is derived from the word "knowledge" (that is my educated guess, if not, then, well, I suck). Being Knowledgeable can come from reading books, or watching TV (not my personal opinion, but) or watching other people. But I think that most knowledge comes from life experience. For example, I know not to stick my hand on the burner a second time because I will get burned. I know not to stick my hand behind the Starbucks fridges again without looking because yes, I will get scratched, and yes I will bleed profusely. Much of this is taught by our parents, and much of this is taught by our own hands on experiences. So, my diatribe leads to this one key point in a girls life. Boys. Men. Yeah those guys that tend to either wreak havoc or bring joy. Yeah. Them. The point being, guys are important. Very important. And us girls need to make sure that we have each others back when it comes to matters of the heart, like boys. Since we girls tend to think with our heart when it comes to such things as love, it leads us into trouble more times then not if we are not careful. I am not saying in any way that boys are these bad, evil beings that deserve nothing. So, this leads me to my key, and last point. Girls, watch yourselves because I believe that nothing good comes out of chasing after all the wrong things. It leads down paths that do not hold truth, and life. It leads to such things as unhappiness, and twenty years down the road, you may find yourself saying "I wish I had. . . ." Wait for the right guy to come along. Stand your ground. Find your prince. 

... I guess this is my New Years post?

I have a questioning mind. It never stops moving and challenging. It is like those hamster wheels, but the hamster never ever gets off my wheel. My most recent thought is why does the human psyche constantly doubt, judge, and tear itself apart, and in general generate that nagging little voice in the back of your head. No matter what, I am constantly trying to ignore that little voice because no matter how seductive it may seem, once you start listening to it one falls into blackness, utter darkness matched with terrifying desperation. What is it about us that makes us listen to that beautiful, seductive, alluring little voice time and time again. Why? Why, if we finally climb out of the blackness of our own hearts, do we let the voice tease us back into the corner, and why do we let ourselves stay in that corner, suffocating, drowning. What is it that holds us back, tampering with the dreams that the creator has given us, twisting and turning them until we no longer see ourselves and our dreams as "he" sees us, but instead we see ourselves as the little voice wants us to see ourselves. Small, inept, unworthy. So, we stay in the corner thinking we are comfortable, if not maybe lukewarm, but comfortable. And if we challenge it, breaking the chains holding us back and run towards the light and the warmth that the creator makes, while all along hands and voices are pulling us back to the comfort, what happens? If we make it, if we make it into the safety of the creator's arms, even for one, brief, second we get a glimpse of what should be. We get told we are beautiful, loved humans made purely for him. We are told we are forgiven and we are given grace, bountiful grace. But then, that little velvety voice starts in again. And it takes away the utter joy, and the safety you feel. It turns it around so that what you think no longer matches what you want to feel. And against your better judgement you turn around and go back into the crushing darkness. Again, what is it that sucks us back in again? Is it the busyness if life? Is it simply because we don't take time to be with God? Or is it simply a pattern that happens over and over and over again? Can we do anything to break the pattern? Maybe if we ignore the voice for just a moment longer it will go away and we can remain in the creators presence. I don't have the answer, no answers to this dilemma of my heart that I see everyone go through. But it is worth mentioning isn't it. So, with that being said, may 2011 be the year that this world seeks the truth instead of the lukewarm comfort we find ourselves in. May 2011 be the year that we step out and do what is right. May 2011 be the year that God breaks through the barriers of people's hearts and reveals himself to them. May 2011 be the year of revival and the breaking of chains. May 2011 be the year of healing. May 2011 be the year where God's people stand up and say, enough, enough of being lukewarm, we want to be red hot for God or not at all. May 2011 be the year that all the forgotten dreams and desires of our hearts be rediscovered and re implanted into our hearts. May 2011 be the year that the burdens we have carried for so long be washed away with the tide.  May 2011 be the year that we all stand up in unity and break all those chains. May 2011 be the year that all those seeds planted so long ago in our hearts start to grow and   bloom. 

but in the morning . . .

The morning brings new life. The morning brings hope, joy, and as Anne of Green Gables put it: Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it. I am tired, I am weary, my heart is hurting. But in the morning . . . oh the morning, grace is granted and hope is refreshed. 

oh my bleeding heart

It's hard to express my heart today,

I was happy until a few minutes ago

when I heard someone's voice that I

haven't heard in a long time.

I suppose I am sad, yes sad. 

But it is also forcing me to face

something that I have been avoiding

through the busyness of life. 

I thought that my heart was almost

healed, I still remember, but I thought 

that I was OK, I thought that I was making it. 

Ahh, well. We all need to face ourselves sometime.