An Intrinsically Designed Heart

The heart is this masterpiece full of deceit and hatred, and of love and passion. The heart is this organ that beats, that keeps you alive. But it's more than that. Your heart is tricky, fickle, and full of darkness. Your heart wanders, it burns, and it lusts. Your heart never learns, it's almost as if it keeps going back to what it wants, over and over again, in order to realize once again that you are back where you started. There are those who have the biggest of hearts, and those with the simplest of ones. The one's with the big hearts usually tend to get in a little more trouble than those with the simpler one's. Big hearted people tend to love more deeply and more openly, and emotionally than simple hearted people. Simple hearted is not bad, simple hearted means you are able to distance yourself from those around you and think about what is best for you instead of sacrificing yourself for others happiness. But, I think that big hearted, simple hearted, average hearted, we are all intrinsically and intricately designed. We are designed with the freedom to choose, the freedom to choose love over hate, passion over anger, truth over deceit, forgiveness over bitterness, and happiness over self pity. So why is it, I ask you, if we are in this thing called life, where we are supposed to cherish and uphold others. Where we are supposed to love and encourage. Where we are decreed by God to take care of our own. Why is it, that the more we try, the more we get more tangled up in ourselves, in our hearts? I personally think it's because we second guess ourselves. I think that people have this giant, GIANT capacity to love because whether we believe it or not we were created by a loving God. We were created in love. And I think that that thought right there scares the living crap out of most people. I think that everyone has the ability to love because we were created with this intrinsic beauty, this intrinsic, intensely personal, precious love. We all have unique hearts. Hearts that are scared. Hearts that are courageous. Hearts that quake at love, whether it be natural or through experience. Hearts that melt. Hearts that are gold. Hearts that are sacred. Hearts that hurt. Hearts that grieve. Hearts that care. Hearts that love WAY to much. Every single one of us has an intrinsic, special and personal heart. So mine and God's thing is, and has always been, "Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it comes the wellspring of life."

So

I have not written in a long time because ... just because. If I explained it would be called whining, or if any of you are familiar with the game gripe and complain (the card game) insert the other word for gripe (it rhymes with itch) and picture me sitting here at my computer. So, I thought I had better write something soon otherwise I will never ever write here again. 2011 has been an interesting year for me so far. I am not sure I would call it interesting, or just plain hard. Being given the chance to grow into who I want to be isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It takes work, and it takes being put through the grinder, again and again. I feel as if I am being shaped and molded, and pushed and pulled in every which way. It is so hard. I am in the midst of figuring out my truths, I am busy figuring out what I believe and what I think. And, surprisingly, I am finding out that the more I investigate into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I find out about the darkness of the human heart. While I am discovering all these intricacies about the darkness of the human heart, I am also seeing that it is possible to overcome that darkness. It is possible to choose light. Not that I am saying that every human is evil and deserves to go to hell, no. We were built out of love, then we sinned, therefore we have dark hearts, it is human nature. That was a big revelation for me because I used to think that the world was a bit more of a "fluffy" place. I used to avoid soul and heart searching because I wanted to avoid the fact that I, Julia Haiste, have problems. I actually am a human! WOW! I believe (and here it comes, the ONE thing that I have discovered by being put through the grinder time and time again) that despite that we as a human race tend to be selfish, overindulgent, mean spirited, covering our own asses with excuse after excuse, greedy, guilty, lustful, and all in all, a big bunch of sinners, we still have the option to choose grace. I know that something I struggle with is letting go. I do not let go of my own faults and failures, and if I have been wronged I don't let go of it. I forgive the person, I don't hold a grudge towards them. But somehow, I turn what they did  to me into something that is my fault, therefore   it is almost like I have a wound that  never heals. I struggle with that. I really really really struggle with that. I need to go to the cross more often, I need to ask for forgiveness. However, the biggest thing for me is to actually accept that I have been forgiven, and to stop feeling so friggen guilty about all my failures, and accept the healing balm. Grace.  So, this post is proof of how therapeutic writing is. I really didn't know what I was going to write. But all this came out, so it is probably for a reason. So, so so so so. I encourage all my readers (all six of you) to do some searching. It isn't easy, it really isn't. But I encourage you to discover your truths. I think that you will find some interesting things out about yourself. <3

© Julia Bethany

You Know . . .

The word "know" has so many different meanings and modifications that it's a wonder anyone can ever figure out  what a person actually means when they say know. The word "know" is derived from the word "knowledge" (that is my educated guess, if not, then, well, I suck). Being Knowledgeable can come from reading books, or watching TV (not my personal opinion, but) or watching other people. But I think that most knowledge comes from life experience. For example, I know not to stick my hand on the burner a second time because I will get burned. I know not to stick my hand behind the Starbucks fridges again without looking because yes, I will get scratched, and yes I will bleed profusely. Much of this is taught by our parents, and much of this is taught by our own hands on experiences. So, my diatribe leads to this one key point in a girls life. Boys. Men. Yeah those guys that tend to either wreak havoc or bring joy. Yeah. Them. The point being, guys are important. Very important. And us girls need to make sure that we have each others back when it comes to matters of the heart, like boys. Since we girls tend to think with our heart when it comes to such things as love, it leads us into trouble more times then not if we are not careful. I am not saying in any way that boys are these bad, evil beings that deserve nothing. So, this leads me to my key, and last point. Girls, watch yourselves because I believe that nothing good comes out of chasing after all the wrong things. It leads down paths that do not hold truth, and life. It leads to such things as unhappiness, and twenty years down the road, you may find yourself saying "I wish I had. . . ." Wait for the right guy to come along. Stand your ground. Find your prince. 

ugh. It's January.

What is it about January that sucks everything that you have to give right out of you? What is it about January that makes me feel so devoid of hope, passion, and joy? I feel like one of those buoys out on the ocean, tossed around without any feeling nor thought. I read the Bible, yeah, it is good, what it says is so good, but I can't get my voice past the dry lump in my throat to actually sound passionate. I can laugh at something, but it's this harsh brittle sound, rather than my usual infectious giggle. I can smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I am going through what I like to call a desert storm. I can have dry times, beautiful refreshing rain times, but once in a while I get caught in this windstorm. You know, the kind of desert storm like they show in the movies, a coughing, stumbling movie actor covered in dust being torn apart by the wind. I feel.n.o.t.h.i.n.g. This sucks. I am usually this vibrant human being, this joyful force of nature. So, my rambly thoughts have come to this. Does God give us these desert storms once in a while just to remind us of how much we have and should be grateful for? Or do we put ourselves in these predicaments, with our self serving humanistic egos, with our selfish, sinful ways? I guess the adage drilled into me as a child still remains (unfortunately) you reap what you sow Julia, you reap what you sow. But what about the good things I've sown? Where are they? For all those wondering I am not sunk into depression. I just feel blahish and that is abnormal. Some opinions would be nice!  :)

flying

I would love to do this. Love it. I have never even sky dived and I know that I would love this. Apparently though it takes years of training by skydiving before one can even graduate to the wing suit. What would have happened if I had trained in this instead of something like piano? (No offense Mrs. G). Do I think that I would have been more fulfilled, simply because I am more daring then others? No. I love a challenge, I would love to be able to jump off a cliff and fly my way through the mountain ranges. However, it is not my time yet. It is not my time. There are times for things, and those desires of our hearts that we never share with anyone will eventually come to pass in some shape or form if we hold onto them and don't forget about them because they seem impossible (run on sentence, I know). I know that many of us do forget, and then when we see something like this it becomes bittersweet because we remember that which has faded into the background and eventually, over the years it erodes away. Hold onto your dreams people, they are important.