Hope

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Sometimes, when it is virtually impossible to see anything positive, anything remotely brilliant about all the decisions you ever made, when it is, literally, virtually impossible to see anything that equals seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to feel, full out feel, grace, and hope. Then, you see a child's smile, hear a child's giggle, see bright shining eyes filled with possibilities, and in the blink of an eye, you feel it. In the blink of an eye you see all the things you lack, and you want it for yourself. You want that innocence of life, the unadulterated, bright hope, the infectious joy. You want that feeling of peace, of never ending dreams. I know you aren't "supposed" to covet, you aren't "supposed" to be jealous, you aren't "supposed" to look at someone else and say: I want that. But you do. Hell, everybody does. Everyone looks at others and sees something that they want for themselves. Everyone is insecure in some way, everyone has some failure, some desperate secret they scramble to keep hidden. What it is it about human frailty that brings all our faults to the forefront? What is it about human nature that has us fighting, scrapping, for the best qualities. And if we don't get them, we are unsatisfied. We want those things for ourselves. So, when we look at ourselves all we see is the dark, the horrible wretched heart, and not the positive, beautiful character traits that make me, and make you.  My other question is why, when you look at a child, do you have all these feelings and thoughts rush into your head? Why, when you look into those beautiful, intelligent eyes, so full of hope, do you also, feel so full of hope? I went to nanny this morning in a horrible mood. Just wretched. And I walked out of that house, buoyed by the utter sense of freedom, of joy, peace, and hope. Children must have this special power ... this special connection to God that creates in them healing hands. Something they have, I want. That is not coveting, that is not jealousy, it is simply admiration.

© Julia Bethany

So

I have not written in a long time because ... just because. If I explained it would be called whining, or if any of you are familiar with the game gripe and complain (the card game) insert the other word for gripe (it rhymes with itch) and picture me sitting here at my computer. So, I thought I had better write something soon otherwise I will never ever write here again. 2011 has been an interesting year for me so far. I am not sure I would call it interesting, or just plain hard. Being given the chance to grow into who I want to be isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It takes work, and it takes being put through the grinder, again and again. I feel as if I am being shaped and molded, and pushed and pulled in every which way. It is so hard. I am in the midst of figuring out my truths, I am busy figuring out what I believe and what I think. And, surprisingly, I am finding out that the more I investigate into my thoughts and beliefs, the more I find out about the darkness of the human heart. While I am discovering all these intricacies about the darkness of the human heart, I am also seeing that it is possible to overcome that darkness. It is possible to choose light. Not that I am saying that every human is evil and deserves to go to hell, no. We were built out of love, then we sinned, therefore we have dark hearts, it is human nature. That was a big revelation for me because I used to think that the world was a bit more of a "fluffy" place. I used to avoid soul and heart searching because I wanted to avoid the fact that I, Julia Haiste, have problems. I actually am a human! WOW! I believe (and here it comes, the ONE thing that I have discovered by being put through the grinder time and time again) that despite that we as a human race tend to be selfish, overindulgent, mean spirited, covering our own asses with excuse after excuse, greedy, guilty, lustful, and all in all, a big bunch of sinners, we still have the option to choose grace. I know that something I struggle with is letting go. I do not let go of my own faults and failures, and if I have been wronged I don't let go of it. I forgive the person, I don't hold a grudge towards them. But somehow, I turn what they did  to me into something that is my fault, therefore   it is almost like I have a wound that  never heals. I struggle with that. I really really really struggle with that. I need to go to the cross more often, I need to ask for forgiveness. However, the biggest thing for me is to actually accept that I have been forgiven, and to stop feeling so friggen guilty about all my failures, and accept the healing balm. Grace.  So, this post is proof of how therapeutic writing is. I really didn't know what I was going to write. But all this came out, so it is probably for a reason. So, so so so so. I encourage all my readers (all six of you) to do some searching. It isn't easy, it really isn't. But I encourage you to discover your truths. I think that you will find some interesting things out about yourself. <3

© Julia Bethany

therapy

I have been thinking a lot about therapy. What is therapy? I mean, what do people count as therapy?  Or what do people use as therapy? Some people shop. Some people shoe shop (me). Some people smoke. Some drink. Some eat (also me). Some exercise. Some play or listen to music (once again, me). But, when do we go for therapy? Do some go to marriage counseling for fun? I hope not. What is it that makes us strive for that one thing that perhaps fills the ache or hole inside. Perhaps we have had a bad day and need something to cheer us up? Think about it, what do you reach for to make you feel better? Is it that smoke, those delicious chips or the giant raspberry cheesecake? Is it those delightful red shoes that match oh so well with that pair of skinny jeans? I encourage my oh so large audience (ha ha) to think about your own "therapy". Try something different next time. Instead of spending a hundred dollars on your fiftieth pair of shoes go home and try on all the ones you already have. Instead of digging into those chips go outside and run or walk instead. I think you get the point. Go do something else that is fun, do something different. You may find that there is something that is far more fulfilling than what you have been reaching for all these years . . . :)