An Intrinsically Designed Heart

The heart is this masterpiece full of deceit and hatred, and of love and passion. The heart is this organ that beats, that keeps you alive. But it's more than that. Your heart is tricky, fickle, and full of darkness. Your heart wanders, it burns, and it lusts. Your heart never learns, it's almost as if it keeps going back to what it wants, over and over again, in order to realize once again that you are back where you started. There are those who have the biggest of hearts, and those with the simplest of ones. The one's with the big hearts usually tend to get in a little more trouble than those with the simpler one's. Big hearted people tend to love more deeply and more openly, and emotionally than simple hearted people. Simple hearted is not bad, simple hearted means you are able to distance yourself from those around you and think about what is best for you instead of sacrificing yourself for others happiness. But, I think that big hearted, simple hearted, average hearted, we are all intrinsically and intricately designed. We are designed with the freedom to choose, the freedom to choose love over hate, passion over anger, truth over deceit, forgiveness over bitterness, and happiness over self pity. So why is it, I ask you, if we are in this thing called life, where we are supposed to cherish and uphold others. Where we are supposed to love and encourage. Where we are decreed by God to take care of our own. Why is it, that the more we try, the more we get more tangled up in ourselves, in our hearts? I personally think it's because we second guess ourselves. I think that people have this giant, GIANT capacity to love because whether we believe it or not we were created by a loving God. We were created in love. And I think that that thought right there scares the living crap out of most people. I think that everyone has the ability to love because we were created with this intrinsic beauty, this intrinsic, intensely personal, precious love. We all have unique hearts. Hearts that are scared. Hearts that are courageous. Hearts that quake at love, whether it be natural or through experience. Hearts that melt. Hearts that are gold. Hearts that are sacred. Hearts that hurt. Hearts that grieve. Hearts that care. Hearts that love WAY to much. Every single one of us has an intrinsic, special and personal heart. So mine and God's thing is, and has always been, "Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it comes the wellspring of life."

Life

I think that sometimes, life sucks. Some try and combat that fact with laughter and fake little smiles. Some, some just stay in bed. Others eat. Others smoke. Others drink their sorrows away. Others exercise. We are all looking for something to make us feel better. And really, I really am wondering, do we actually get the chance to choose happiness? Is it a choice? I think so. I think that we can choose to drag ourselves out of bed, I think we can choose to overcome the fact that life sucks but I also think that its hard. I think that sometimes it gets to hard. Way, way, way, way to fricken hard. And sometimes even though we make the choice again and again to get up, to keep going, we get a break sometimes. I think, that since we are human beings we deserve a break. We deserve to break down once in while. We deserve to be depressed, and anxious, and sad, because, at the end of the day, your heart still beats, your brain still works, your still breathing and living. God is still there. In those moments, in those precious moments where we are broken, and vulnerable, and hurting, that's when God becomes more and more real. That's where he steps in and holds our hearts. Because we aren't strong enough to hold ourselves up ALL the time. We are not strong enough to hold all our burdens, and sadness, and heavy hearts up ALL the time. We are not meant to hold ourselves up ALL the time. Sometimes, you need others. Sometimes you need God. I know that people say to hold your head up, that there is hope. But can I get anyone, anyone to agree with me when I say that sometimes, sometimes we need to just be sad. Sometimes we need to go curl up in a ball somewhere and cry. Sometimes we need to hold our head up, but we are allowed to do it with a heavy heart. I don't have anything inspirational to say. I don't have anything smart, or quick witted to speak about. I don't have any complaints or harsh words, or anything Christianeseish to say. I just want to be anything but ordinary, but to be anything but ordinary, I have come to the conclusion that sometimes I am allowed, that sometimes we are all allowed to be broken. Broken so we can be healed. And that, that is where hope lingers.

Precious Stones

                                                       

In the form of many things, I keep receiving precious stones.

These stones are not always received with an open heart,

but whether these stones come in the form of something like

truth, laughter and love,

joy and light,

the vibrancy of life,

or perhaps something subtle and poignant, like grace.

whatever these stones may entail,

it is soon realized that they act as a healing balm,

to a hurting, weary and thirsty heart.

Whether the hurt was self inflicted,

or whether it was unjustly received,

these stones, while not always received well

by this intrinsically designed heart,

provide a freedom not known before.

This heart feels a freedom to be itself,

The freedom to bask in the love of God.

With no guilt. No shame. No judgement.

These stones, provide this heart the strength

to break the chains holding it back.

These stones provide this heart with

the courage to fail. The courage to choose.

And what this heart chooses to accept is

freedom, grace and mercy.

Because that is what perfect love is all about.

© Julia Bethany

Best.Thing.Ever

Hope

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Sometimes, when it is virtually impossible to see anything positive, anything remotely brilliant about all the decisions you ever made, when it is, literally, virtually impossible to see anything that equals seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to feel, full out feel, grace, and hope. Then, you see a child's smile, hear a child's giggle, see bright shining eyes filled with possibilities, and in the blink of an eye, you feel it. In the blink of an eye you see all the things you lack, and you want it for yourself. You want that innocence of life, the unadulterated, bright hope, the infectious joy. You want that feeling of peace, of never ending dreams. I know you aren't "supposed" to covet, you aren't "supposed" to be jealous, you aren't "supposed" to look at someone else and say: I want that. But you do. Hell, everybody does. Everyone looks at others and sees something that they want for themselves. Everyone is insecure in some way, everyone has some failure, some desperate secret they scramble to keep hidden. What it is it about human frailty that brings all our faults to the forefront? What is it about human nature that has us fighting, scrapping, for the best qualities. And if we don't get them, we are unsatisfied. We want those things for ourselves. So, when we look at ourselves all we see is the dark, the horrible wretched heart, and not the positive, beautiful character traits that make me, and make you.  My other question is why, when you look at a child, do you have all these feelings and thoughts rush into your head? Why, when you look into those beautiful, intelligent eyes, so full of hope, do you also, feel so full of hope? I went to nanny this morning in a horrible mood. Just wretched. And I walked out of that house, buoyed by the utter sense of freedom, of joy, peace, and hope. Children must have this special power ... this special connection to God that creates in them healing hands. Something they have, I want. That is not coveting, that is not jealousy, it is simply admiration.

© Julia Bethany

This is my heart crying out, this is me, on my knees.

I think people who continually seek things with their whole heart have life.

I think someone who stands there in complacency doesn't. 

I think people who believe in something, but are willing to listen and change, get it. 

I think people who stick to the same old beliefs without listening are blind and foolish. 

I think people with open hearts, who stand under an open heaven, understand how beautiful God is.

I think people who judge others, count themselves as holy, and refuse to see the heart or the soul don't. 

I think that people who believe in and have seen hope will continue to have everlasting joy.

I think those that can't or won't see hope don't. 

I think that people who hunger and thirst for more have seen, and will see favor.

I think people who think they have it all, don't see favor.

I think servants understand the love of God.

I think the self righteous don't. 

I think that atheists have a better understanding of God than many Christians.

I think that many Christians think they know, but don't really.

I think that people who love others whole heartedly understand grace.

I think that people who look at the outside rather than the inside don't. 

but.

I think that despite all our failings, grace and mercy will follow us for the rest of our lives,

despite my failings, grace and mercy will follow me for the rest of my life.

and.

it brings me to tears every time.

© Julia Bethany

Sometimes

Sometimes all you need is pure joy.

Sometimes all you need is love.

Sometimes all you need is to be carefree.

Sometimes all you need is to fly.

Sometimes all you need is precious friends.

Sometimes all you need is to dance the night away.

Sometimes all you need is to be you.

And sometimes all you need is God. 

© Julia Bethany

You Know . . .

The word "know" has so many different meanings and modifications that it's a wonder anyone can ever figure out  what a person actually means when they say know. The word "know" is derived from the word "knowledge" (that is my educated guess, if not, then, well, I suck). Being Knowledgeable can come from reading books, or watching TV (not my personal opinion, but) or watching other people. But I think that most knowledge comes from life experience. For example, I know not to stick my hand on the burner a second time because I will get burned. I know not to stick my hand behind the Starbucks fridges again without looking because yes, I will get scratched, and yes I will bleed profusely. Much of this is taught by our parents, and much of this is taught by our own hands on experiences. So, my diatribe leads to this one key point in a girls life. Boys. Men. Yeah those guys that tend to either wreak havoc or bring joy. Yeah. Them. The point being, guys are important. Very important. And us girls need to make sure that we have each others back when it comes to matters of the heart, like boys. Since we girls tend to think with our heart when it comes to such things as love, it leads us into trouble more times then not if we are not careful. I am not saying in any way that boys are these bad, evil beings that deserve nothing. So, this leads me to my key, and last point. Girls, watch yourselves because I believe that nothing good comes out of chasing after all the wrong things. It leads down paths that do not hold truth, and life. It leads to such things as unhappiness, and twenty years down the road, you may find yourself saying "I wish I had. . . ." Wait for the right guy to come along. Stand your ground. Find your prince. 

relationships,servants, love and all that falls between

 I don't want to be religious, I want a relationship. I go to church every Sunday like a faithful good religious girl, but where is the passion and the love in the word religion. Religion reminds me of self righteousness. Like, since I am a Christian, I am so much better than she is. I do not want to be labeled under the category of religion, because religion judges people, it puts people into categories. For example, Catholics, Christians, Muslims, Jews . . . you name it. Or, here's a good one: Penecostal, Baptist, Anglian, Lutheran, Charismatic . . . isn't that ridiculous? Do you really think that God cares? If I had to be religious, I would choose anything but. I would prefer a relationship. You see, the word relationship puts a whole different perspective on things. Relationship means that it is not a cold transaction every Sunday morning. Relationship means that passion and love are part of the equation. Religion, to me, means that it requires you to say a rosary, to do good things to get to Heaven. To go to Mecca on a pilgremage once in your life. To kneel on hard floor boards for hours.  I don't know about you, but I would prefer a kind and loving God, a God you can cry out to, who you can share everything with, who gives you dreams and visions and love, someone who is gracious and compassionate,  someone who accepts you as you are with no doubt in his mind as to how precious each of us are. Love. If I was an athiest, I would turn my nose at religious people, but look and see those who love others whole heartedly, who are not pushy and arrogant because they have "religion". I think that this was Jesus' point. He didn't look at the poor and the hungry and the prostitutes and turn his nose like the pharisees did. You see, the pharisees followed the book, the rules, they were religious . . .but Jesus, Jesus saw the good in everyone despite their circumstances, he saw the need to love people. Some people serve serve serve until they die, and the self righteous look at that and say, ha, they are wasting their time on the downtrodden, on the weary, on the drug users, on the alcoholics, on the prostitutes. We have a chance to  see the importance of loving people, for who they are, but until we get that, we are blind. But God, God does get it, he does, its impossible for him not to love us, but we can't grasp that because we are human, and as humans we have all these frailties, these insecurities, all these problems that we think we can't overcome. But God loves us just the same. And the people that serve, they get that, not because they completely understand God's love for them, but they realize the incredible grace and beauty that comes out of sharing what they know with others. I think servants have a bigger idea of what love is because in order to serve someone, you have to be able to love. Isn't that what all those stories we read subtly point at? About how that certain servant was the "lady of the house's" favorite servant simply because the servant loved, the servant served out of love (Hadassah from the Mark of the Lion books anyone) Believe me, people can tell the difference. People can tell whether you want to be there or not. So coming to the end of my mantra, anyone can be a servant. Anyone can love and serve from their hearts, it just takes time and reflection. And it takes you.

florence, again . . .

I love love love this song. it is the perfect studying song. It describes my heart right now. I can't describe how much I am in love with Florence and the Machine right now! :D