hmm.

So, I had a friend ask me a few days ago why I do not have much of a problem saying things like: Oh my God. She thought I would since, yes, I do believe in God, and I go to church and so on. And truthfully, at the time I had no direct answer that would make any sense. So I said I would have to think about it. And, think about it I did. Truthfully I thought I would forget about it, but for some reason it has been continually on my mind. So. My answer is this: While I agree that God's name is reverent, and holy, and that it should be cherished and held higher than the average name, I also think that perhaps we tiptoe around his name to much. If God is love, do you really think that you will be struck by a lightening bolt when using his name in vain? However, I definitely have more to say on the subject. It does say in Exodus 20: 7: “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name." I think that people take this scripture verse far, far, far to literally. Basically anything can be using God's name in vain. For example, there are the sayings like: Oh my God, Jesus Christ, or God Damn, and so on that most Christians think abhorrent. But what about other things? Like: "God told me today that I should tell you that you need to stop working at Starbucks because you work with so many gay people, and since they are horrible people because they live in open sin, you won't be able to go to Heaven because you work with them." (that has happened to me by the way) Or how about the Crusades? Or, Catholic priests raping innocent little boys? Or the people who burned innocent woman who were supposedly witches, because God said so. Or, cults where the leader does horrible things under the name of God (Warren Jeff's anyone?) Besides those major things, there are others. Like, I only got that parking spot because I prayed and God magically moved the car that was there so I could have it (sarcastic yes, but people do believe stuff like that.) Maybe it's me and my lack of an innocent mind, but I really don't know if God cares about that stuff (call me hypocritical), maybe he does and I'm really really wrong. But if one really thinks about it, how on earth does that make sense?
I bring all these things up (and there are SO MANY more) to prove my point. While I agree we have to watch what we say, I don't think that saying Oh my God is the end of the world. I take that verse from Exodus like this: Do not do things in my name that deserve punishment. Do not hate, judge, or persecute people in my name. Do not abuse people in my name, just because you think they are wrong. I think that what God was trying to say was: These are my people, my precious, imperfect humans, and just because you think that you know better, does not mean that you are allowed to use my name in order to bash others into the ground.
So, while my answer could be called vague and hypocritical, for myself I have definitely been challenged by that question, and for once in my life, I am relatively content with my answer.

Your Grace is Sufficient for Me

When your heart hurts so much you wish you could tear it out of your chest.

When you are so happy you skip down the street singing Jesus Loves me at the top of your lungs.

When you try to hide. or try to run.

When you simply walk through life just trying to breathe.

When you can't stop smiling like a fool.

When your sad.

When your lonely.

When your content.

When your overwhelmed.

When you do wrong.

When you do right.

God is there.

God is always, always there.

Loving you.

Romancing you.

Holding you.

And it seems, when you absolutely do not want him there.

He's there anyway.

Bringing Truth.

Bringing Light.

Bringing Beauty

Bringing Life.

And, since he's God.

The more we run, the more we hide, the more He seeks.

You can't run away from God.

That's not how it works.

And God does not, He does not run away from you.

He loves you.

He wants you.

He wants your heart to be his.

But your scared.

Terrified even.

Because, what if God turns on you?

What if He gets angry.

Or frustrated.

Or impatient.

What if you fail?

Will God leave you?

Will he leave you for someone else?

Someone else who can be you better.

Someone who is perfect, whole and beautiful.

Not someone who has struggles, someone who is dark, and twisty.

Why would God want someone like you?

And then that part, where He brings truth, it pours into your soul like a rainstorm in a desert.

It washes away the pain, the hurt, and the doubt.

And you get it.

For a brief moment you get it.

He loves you. He wants you. He needs you.

You are imperfect, your heart is dark and twisted, and so utterly human.

And he wants you that way. He loves you that way.

God's grace is not fickle.

He does not pick and choose who to bestow his grace upon.

It is indescribable. Beautiful.

And it's yours.

Where does happiness come from?

Does it come from inside, from the heart, the soul, the mind?

Or does it come from the struggles of life?

Where does joy come from?

Does it come bubbling up, from deep, deep inside?

Or does it come naturally to some, and not to others?

Where does laughter come from?

Does it come from joy? Happiness?

Or does it come from pure excitement?

Some ask, what does it mean to be happy?

What does it mean to be joyful?

What does it feel like to laugh so hard you can't breathe?

Happiness is right there in front of you, don't be afraid to grab onto it for dear life.

Joy stems from whether you choose to live, to truly live life to the fullest.

And laughter, laughter will be there when you want it too. 

© Julia Bethany

This is my heart crying out, this is me, on my knees.

I think people who continually seek things with their whole heart have life.

I think someone who stands there in complacency doesn't. 

I think people who believe in something, but are willing to listen and change, get it. 

I think people who stick to the same old beliefs without listening are blind and foolish. 

I think people with open hearts, who stand under an open heaven, understand how beautiful God is.

I think people who judge others, count themselves as holy, and refuse to see the heart or the soul don't. 

I think that people who believe in and have seen hope will continue to have everlasting joy.

I think those that can't or won't see hope don't. 

I think that people who hunger and thirst for more have seen, and will see favor.

I think people who think they have it all, don't see favor.

I think servants understand the love of God.

I think the self righteous don't. 

I think that atheists have a better understanding of God than many Christians.

I think that many Christians think they know, but don't really.

I think that people who love others whole heartedly understand grace.

I think that people who look at the outside rather than the inside don't. 

but.

I think that despite all our failings, grace and mercy will follow us for the rest of our lives,

despite my failings, grace and mercy will follow me for the rest of my life.

and.

it brings me to tears every time.

© Julia Bethany

Laughter

I think that sometimes we hide in laughter. Laughter is an incredible cover because people think that we are joyful, happy, content. But really our insides are churning, our thoughts are elsewhere, and we have to keep chanting to ourselves: just keep smiling, just keep smiling, just keep smiling. Laughing has a numbing effect, and eventually, if you become good enough at it, you can even tell yourself that you are happy by laughing. Laughing also has many healing powers, smiles can bring hope, laughter brings joy. Coming from the perspective of a very joyful vivacious person, laughter is the perfect cover for me, because its normal. I am always smiling, but the trick for you people to tell the difference is the eyes. If someone is grinning from ear to ear, but their eyes are sad, somethings up. If a person is laughing and smiling, and their eyes are twinkling and bright, at that moment joy is bubbling out. Eyes are like windows into the soul. Sometimes all I see is hurt, pain, confusion, self doubt, anger. The list goes on. But sometimes I see love, kindness, gentleness, genuine warmth, and laughter. So to conclude my rambling thoughts, try not to hide in laughter. I find it only makes you feel worse. And if you hide in bitterness and hurt, try to laugh, really really laugh at something that brings you joy. It does miracles for the soul. And next time someone smiles, look into their eyes. Depending on what you see, encourage them!

© Julia Bethany

relationships,servants, love and all that falls between

 I don't want to be religious, I want a relationship. I go to church every Sunday like a faithful good religious girl, but where is the passion and the love in the word religion. Religion reminds me of self righteousness. Like, since I am a Christian, I am so much better than she is. I do not want to be labeled under the category of religion, because religion judges people, it puts people into categories. For example, Catholics, Christians, Muslims, Jews . . . you name it. Or, here's a good one: Penecostal, Baptist, Anglian, Lutheran, Charismatic . . . isn't that ridiculous? Do you really think that God cares? If I had to be religious, I would choose anything but. I would prefer a relationship. You see, the word relationship puts a whole different perspective on things. Relationship means that it is not a cold transaction every Sunday morning. Relationship means that passion and love are part of the equation. Religion, to me, means that it requires you to say a rosary, to do good things to get to Heaven. To go to Mecca on a pilgremage once in your life. To kneel on hard floor boards for hours.  I don't know about you, but I would prefer a kind and loving God, a God you can cry out to, who you can share everything with, who gives you dreams and visions and love, someone who is gracious and compassionate,  someone who accepts you as you are with no doubt in his mind as to how precious each of us are. Love. If I was an athiest, I would turn my nose at religious people, but look and see those who love others whole heartedly, who are not pushy and arrogant because they have "religion". I think that this was Jesus' point. He didn't look at the poor and the hungry and the prostitutes and turn his nose like the pharisees did. You see, the pharisees followed the book, the rules, they were religious . . .but Jesus, Jesus saw the good in everyone despite their circumstances, he saw the need to love people. Some people serve serve serve until they die, and the self righteous look at that and say, ha, they are wasting their time on the downtrodden, on the weary, on the drug users, on the alcoholics, on the prostitutes. We have a chance to  see the importance of loving people, for who they are, but until we get that, we are blind. But God, God does get it, he does, its impossible for him not to love us, but we can't grasp that because we are human, and as humans we have all these frailties, these insecurities, all these problems that we think we can't overcome. But God loves us just the same. And the people that serve, they get that, not because they completely understand God's love for them, but they realize the incredible grace and beauty that comes out of sharing what they know with others. I think servants have a bigger idea of what love is because in order to serve someone, you have to be able to love. Isn't that what all those stories we read subtly point at? About how that certain servant was the "lady of the house's" favorite servant simply because the servant loved, the servant served out of love (Hadassah from the Mark of the Lion books anyone) Believe me, people can tell the difference. People can tell whether you want to be there or not. So coming to the end of my mantra, anyone can be a servant. Anyone can love and serve from their hearts, it just takes time and reflection. And it takes you.